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Ooo, what’s that?
Soooo…
We all know how I feel about Fifty Shades of Grey, right? I’ve only read one book, so far, because, just ugh. I mean, I get that people (especially college-age people) enter into insanity-based relationships like that one–I used to be one of them–but to glorify it by weaving it into an erotic tale and then paint it as “normal BDSM” is just…ew.
For this reason alone, I was set to ignore the Fifty Shades of Grey toy line. I don’t want anything to do with something that E.L. James had a hand in. That author, as she has freely admitted, has no idea what she’s doing when it comes to kink. She did very little research before writing the series, and that’s evident in the fact that her “red room” looks exactly like every stereotypical dungeon (with the added benefit of a bed) you’ve ever heard about ever. I expected every toy in the line to follow the same vein (and based on appearances, I’d say it does), so I wrote it off as something I was so not interested in promoting, even by accident, and promptly ignored all the hype about this line.
Then they named a toy Insatiable Desire. So of course, I had to try it. I mean, it’s got the same name as my blog!
I’m so angry it’s got the same name as my blog.
What’d it come in?
The Insatiable Desire comes in a black paperboard box with a molded plastic insert. Included is a manual and an oversized silver satin drawstring bag that says “Fifty Shades of Grey” on it.
How’s it made?
The Insatiable Desire g-spot vibrator has an insertable length of 4 inches, an overall length of 5.25 inches, and a circumference of 3.75 inches at its widest point. It takes one AA battery. The insertable part is made of silicone, and is waterproof. It’s controlled by a push button at the bottom of the battery cap. And the battery cap twists off.
There are seven settings. It starts on high. You hold the button to turn it off, and it remembers what setting you left it on.
What’s it for?
G-spot and clitoral stimulation.
How is it?
| Rayne’s Rating: |   |
|---|---|
| Pros: | Cons: |
| silicone waterproof remembers where you stopped | loud buzzy vibes starts on high not rechargeable annoying battery cap sounds like a spaceship seems like it’s just the Lia Magic Wand reimagined approved by E.L. James shares a name with my blog |
Remember way back when, when I reviewed the Lia Magic Wand by California Exotics, and I said I loved it? I lied.
Okay, I didn’t lie. I’ve since changed my mind. My enthusiasm for that spaceship sound wore off right quick, and my clitoris says buzzy vibrators can take a long walk off a short pier. And forget about inserting it. That texture just isn’t my thing anymore.
I blame Dangerous Lilly. After reading her describe the difference between buzzy and rumbly vibes over and over, I decided to do some testing myself, and now, buzzy vibes just annoy me.
This buzzy vibe (the Insatiable Desire) annoys me so much that I have not been able to use it for longer than a minute before turning it off and reaching for something else.
Funny story…
I turn the Insatiable Desire on, and my first thought is, “Oh, ha! It sounds like a spaceship, kinda like the Lia Magic Wand. That was the cutest thing ever…the first hundred times I heard it.” The first vibration pattern you get to on the Lia Magic Wand sounds like the aliens are coming to take you away. It’s super loud, and super high pitched, and…well, here. You have to hear it to believe it.
The Liberator Wedge makes a great sound amplifier in these situations.
While inserting the battery, I checked off my first annoyance: the battery cap is fiddly. It’s one of those that you turn a quarter turn to get it off, and then when you put it back on, you have to be exact with it, because there’s sticky-outy things (technical term) of different sizes to make sure you put it on just right. In fact, it’s got the same sort of battery cap as the Lia Magic Wand, aside from the push button controls. The Lia Magic Wand has a separate power button.
I cycled through the settings and checked off my second annoyance: it starts on high. I don’t know any women who start on high and work backwards to low. Not a single one. Even people who use vibrators for pussy torture start on low and work their way up to high because when masturbating with a vibrator, many people eventually need higher settings in one session to achieve orgasm. This does not, however, mean that a clitoris or vagina will become desensitized with overuse of vibrators. It’s like alcohol. Drink a lot for a while, and eventually your tolerance goes up. Stop drinking for a while, and eventually your tolerance goes down.
Starting on high means you have to cycle to the lowest setting, and then go through all the settings again to get to the medium, and then go through all the settings again to get to the high. This does not a happy masturbation session make. In fact, while I’m cycling through all those settings, my clit goes on strike, and I’m left frustrated.
Wait…doesn’t the Lia Magic Wand start on high? Weird coinkydink. Moving on.
The vibration is only in the bulbous tip, but because it’s so powerful, and the shaft is so short, it travels throughout the body of the vibe. And that bulbous tip looks a lot like the bulbous tip on the Lia Magic Wand. It’s almost as if they have the same bullet mounted on the end.
It’s freakin’ loud. It’s only slightly less loud than than the Lia Magic Wand, and slightly less high pitched, but I think that’s because the silicone is a little denser and a bit more firm, and not because the motor is actually less loud and less high pitched.
And the denser, firmer silicone doesn’t just dampen the noise. It also dampens the vibrations. So while it seems like this toy is literally just a reimagined Lia Magic Wand (was CalEx involved in the making of this toy?), it’s nowhere near as strong.
So I start to flip through all the vibrations while I’m writing the review, and I notice that the pattern right after the low setting isn’t just similar to the Lia Magic Wand. It’s exactly the same.
Naturally, I went to get the Lia Magic Wand, and stuck batteries in it. I cycled through each setting, setting the Lia Magic Wand and then cycling the Insatiable Desire to the same setting. Every single pattern is the same. It seems the Insatiable Desire uses the exact same motor as the Lia Magic Wand.
Over all, from tip to toe, this toy is a dud. If you’re looking for a good g-spot vibrator, this is not the one. And I can’t tell you how unhappy that makes me.
However, if you ever get a toy from Lovehoney that you don’t like, rest assured they have a badass return policy that you can find right here. You have up to 100 days to return the toy for any reason at all…even if you just don’t like it. Awesome, right?
Anything else I should know?
Battery not included.
Use only water based lube.
Wash the Insatiable Desire with a nonabrasive, antibacterial soap and warm water. Do not boil or wash in the dishwasher. You can, however, disinfect the toy by wiping it down with a 10% bleach, 90% water solution.
Store this toy in the bag, in the box, or with your other silicone, but be sure to remove the battery first.
Where’d ya get it?
Lovehoney provided the Fifty Shades of Grey Insatiable Desire free of charge in exchange for an honest review. Lovehoney won the Internet Retailing Award 2013 against competitors including eBay, Amazon and Burberry. Their success with the Fifty Shades of Grey Official Pleasure Collection and Fifty Shades of Grey Official Sensual Care Collection has earned them the Insider International Trade Award 2013 for Best International Deal. Lovehoney has also been voted Best Online Adult Retailer five times in the ETO Adult Industry Awards, including in 2013.
